we have pet lesbian snakes
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
