i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
