I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
