Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
