Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
