I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
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YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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