Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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