I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
