Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
