Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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