Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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