is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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