We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize