In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
