saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
