somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
