ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
