A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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