When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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