Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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