I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
