Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.