So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I could have mohawked her pubes.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.