I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.