Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.