What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
