Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
