I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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