just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
