fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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