Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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