he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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