i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
