since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
