Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
