apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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