and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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