mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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