all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
