yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
