i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
