yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
