I smell stomach acid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
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Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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