I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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