i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
