and you said cock pushups were impossible
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
