Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
