people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
