Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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