Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
zippers are such a cool invention
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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