I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
