if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
