clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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