I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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