1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
