im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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