I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
