Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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