Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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