tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
