You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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