My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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