you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think we might need a safe word for this...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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