You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
